The truth is - I am just not happy and I feel a bit robbed to be honest. I always imagined pregnancy to be full of happy, exciting memories and with Rosie I got a pretty good deal. This time round is completely different. Don't get me wrong, I love being pregnant. I love feeling the kicks and the rolls, watching the bump grow bigger everyday and knowing I am making a new wee life in there but the situations and circumstances surrounding this pregnancy are making it difficult to really enjoy and savour as there is so much uncertainty. I feel like I need to get these off my chest and I will use this as a vessel to do so as it is pretty private. A big thank you to those who have decided to follow my wee blog though - it means so much that you have deemed it interesting and worth of a follow!
Lets start with the mummy and daddy. When I was pregnant with Rosie, me and Tom had only been together 6 months. Everything was so fresh and new. Although we had known each other for years and actually briefly dated in our late teens, we were now learning about our adult selves. Yes we argued and not everything was "Rosie" so to speak but it was such an exciting time. I had just moved from Newcastle, Tom was in his 2nd year at uni and I had a full time job. We had no real financial issues and could do what we liked. We were looking for our first home together and getting prepared for our bundle.
Then Rosie arrived and I think the dynamics changed quite a bit. When you have a child you have more things to disagree on, difference of opinion on how to do things and bring them up. Not to mention the lack of sleep!! But we got through it with a few explosive argument over, well nothing really but try telling that to two sleep deprived new parents!
Over the last year our relationship has been on a downward curve, at first I thought it was the stress of Tom finishing uni. But then graduation came and went and things were still going wrong. And they still are. Although I do believe we have now hit rock bottom.
So what's caused us from going from a happy relationship full of laughter to barely acknowledging each other - a good few things. The stress of having a toddler that has hit the terrible twos with full force and has embraced it with open arms. She has gone from a sweet, easily managed, content child to a kicking, hitting, screaming, shouting, disobedient, tantrum throwing little madam, and we are really struggling. I honestly feel inadequate as a mother, I don't have a clue how to deal with her anymore! I have read the books and tried the tricks but nothing works. Tom gets very frustrated too and again we have different parenting techniques which clash and cause arguments and general bad feeling. Challenging times.
Money is also another evil contributing factor. We are totally skint! Tom has been looking and applying for jobs since last summer and has not had one interview, that's depressing. But also as we may have to move hundreds of miles I have not taken on many weddings this year. We get by, we have a roof over our heads and food on the table but we can't afford anything else. We have no money to go out, with Rosie or as a couple, we can't afford petrol to visit friends, the last time we purchased clothes for ourself has become a very distant memory. We have debts up to our eyeballs and are trying to make ends meet on two part time wages. Our joint income for last year was around £13,000. Now I know money isn't the be all and end all but when you are stuck in the house, swamped by each others company, stressed with how you will pay the tv licence you argue. A lot.
To top it all off we want to move, we really want to move but can't because of the above. As I did a lot of my social growing up down south, I lost a lot of contact with people up here. And my best friend moved to Wales so really I have very very little friends that I can call upon to drop round for a coffee or go for a walk with, or simple just talk too. I am by myself a lot. I have held back going out there and meeting new people because at the back of my head is what if we move in a month? Is there any point? So I stumble on in a very lonely world. We are both not happy with our location and want a lot more. Mainly better weather and better local amenities, plus somewhere with a bit of scope. A new beginning. So because we both want this and it's not happening we get frustrated with each other and guess what, we argue. A lot.
Of course there is all the other relationship problems. I wish Tom was a bit more supportive, I wish he was a bit more affectionate, I wish he wasn't so hot headed and we could enjoy a family trip out without an argument. But I also love him, I love when he smiles and laughs, I love when we can be care free and silly, I love how much he loves his daughter. But when there is such a big black cloud hanging over you, all this gets lost in the fog and you are left wondering if you will actually make it through.
All this is stressful enough, and at the back of my head I know three will become four in a matter of months and all these things will be exasperated further and I am scared. Really scared. I feel that all these issues need to be resolved and there is a ticking time bomb, in the shape of my ever growing belly, waiting to go off. To make it worse we have to move in about 6 weeks and that is a stress in itself.
It has got to the point where I feel so stressed that its affecting me on the in and out. I believe my skin is so bad because of the stress and that is lowering my confidence as I feel like one big acne outbreak! I am getting pounding headaches, I can't sleep, I cry at the drop of a hat, I feel irritable, I feel guilt that Rosie isn't getting the best from me, I get knots in my chest, and I just have a lot of pressure on my shoulders.
So what would make me happy? Just some simple things like a bit of security, a new home in a new town in a new country, not having to sell things on eBay to pay bills, a happier relationship, better skin, two happy healthy children, and maybe some better weather? Hopefully it will be around the corner but for now I just have to pick myself up and get on with it.......